I have an issue.
It used to be I was fine with how I looked, that I knew I needed to work out more and that’s it. But recently it’s gotten worse. I oftentimes find myself looking down at my already skinny body and thinking “God damn am I fat…” I see all this extra skin and just wish it could just go away. That with one cut I could just get rid of it all. I hate how I’m not skinny enough, I hate how I have a little belly bulge when I sit down…I checked the stats, and as it is I’m 145 at 6’1 and borderline anorexic. I’m just BARELY passing for the normal/healthy weight for my age and body type. I still think I’m fat…
Then at other times I find myself hating I’m so skinny. I look at all these finely chisled guys just walking around in their tight shirts and showing off their muscles…and I hate myself for being so puny. Even when I work out for weeks on end it doesn’t show because I don’t have anything to build off of! And I hate it, I’ll never measure of to any of them. I’ll never “wow” people with my physique.
It doesn’t matter what I do I am never happy with my body. I’m either too fat, too skinny or both. And I hate it so fucking much! What makes it worse is my mother jokes about how skinny I am and tells me to eat more, then when I do she says “Oh my god, you pig!” Well what do you want me to do!? Eat or not eat!?
As it is I forget to eat on a normal basis, and while I could stop eating I can’t because I know I’d pass out immediately. I can’t go more than 5 hours without something in my body before I actually pass out from lack of energy. I HATE it.
Why can’t I be happy with my body? Why? I try and try to see what my friends say is appealing….and nothing. I don’t get it. There’s nothing about me I like. I hate my collar bones. I hate my extra skin. I hate every fucking damn detail, it’s just so….. grotesque and….I’m just an abomination of a person in my mind….
So I finally, after all this time, admit I have a problem.
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schwa: The faint vowel sound in many unstressed syllables in the English language. It is signified by the pronunciation "uh" and represented by the symbol upside down e. For example, the e in overlook, the a in forgettable, and the o in run-of-the-mill.
It is the most common vowel sound in the English language.
I have an issue.
"Everyone must leave something behind when he dies, my grandfather said. A child or a book or a painting or a house or a wall built or a pair of shoes made. Or a garden planted. Something your hand touched some way so your soul has somewhere to go when you die, and when people look at that tree or that flower you planted, you’re there.
It doesn’t matter what you do, he said, so long as you change something from the way it was before you touched it into something that’s like you after you take your hands away. The difference between the man who just cuts lawns and a real gardener is in the touching, he said. The lawn-cutter might just as well not have been there at all; the gardener will be there a lifetime.” Ray Bradbury (Fahrenheit 451)